this old wound

sigh. where to even begin? the good or the bad? sometimes its just too much. i've had a totally shitty year and i'm just tired of it. (and yes, i realize there are people much worse off than me, but i'm not writing to complain or get sympathy. and i also realize that only like 4.2 people read my blog and already know about all this crap, so i apologize.) i just need to vent. we don't have any demo work left to do on the house, and i don't have a punching bag (yet), so i need somewhere to left off some [vocal] steam.

my uncle died last week; my mom's brother, my only blood relative uncle. 2 months after his sister died. i guess this might be the only time i could find the positive in my mom having alzheimers. i drove back and forth to erie on thursday for the funeral. i'm so tired of them. what i'm having problems with is that i feel like i'm unable to grieve for the person who has just died because the funerals just bring back reminders of my dad, and the wound is open again. at my uncles funeral, the pastor who did my dads spoke a few words. my dad and uncle used to volunteer together for quite a few years, working at a food bank, building for them, etc. the pastor mentioned my dad, which i thought was very nice, until he brought up the point that he would volunteer, with his oxygen tank, until "his illness got the best of him" and how we had "just buried him a year ago". it was unexpected and difficult to hear.

the drive home sucked, as they usually do. not only was i tired and sad, with a crappily made starbucks drink, i couldn't get my mind and the memories to stop. i repeat, this year has totally sucked. in the past year, we've had to clean out and sell my childhood home that my dad and his dad built. i lost my dad. we moved my mom into a dementia unit nursing home. i lost my aunt. i lost my uncle. i lost my cat. i'm dealing with problem X that i'm not quite ready to blog about. i've technically "lost" my mom. i had a stupid heavy landscaping beam fall on my foot. can i please get a break god?? i know that all of this had made me realize that i'm stronger than i thought, but... i'm good. really. any more and i just might break.

(end of venting. blogging continues.)

this past weekend, i learned how to drive/steer/pilot(?) a pontoon boat. hows that for good news? i keep saying boat pilot, which just makes me giggle. the in-laws bought a lake house in ohio this summer and we finally managed a free weekend to make the 1.5 hr trek out there. it was chilly, and i wish i had brought a sweater. or worn long pants. and not tried out the icky starbucks oatmeal that morning. but it really was a relaxing and a nice break. its a cute little house at the end of wooded drive (several other house are there, but theirs is at the end, next to a hiking/wooded area), and right on the lake. after a little tour, we walked down to the lake and fired up the pontoon boat. since it was overcast and chilly, there weren't alot of people out, other than a few fishing boats. it was peaceful, secluded and very beautiful. lots of blue herons out in the marshes. we're definitely going back in a few weeks once the leaves start to change.

maybe some knitting photos in the next post. i finished my sweater and need to get some shots of it modeled, but hopefully i will be in a better mood for that tomorrow.

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well i've been bleeding well from this old wound.
cleaning it with salt, so it will still feel new.